Dear Silver,

There are so many things that I want to say but can't seem to really get them out. Some of them I really didn't even realize until tonight on my drive home from the hookah bar. I'm sharing this with you at the risk of sounding lame or dumb but, whatever. I want you to know that you really are my one true best friend. I realized it more so tonight than ever. I've never really talked to anyone about my brother or my past in the way I did with you tonight. It was weird to see someone so attentive while telling my life story in a nut shell. I'm really happy to have someone like you as my best friend. I like that I can share really anything with you and you care to listen. Sometimes I'm just looking to tell a story and people think I want some kind of advice but it's kind of like you get the fact that it's just a story and you listen and comment and ask questions about it. But, never criticizing me or my emotions towards certain things. There's a lot of things about you that sometimes I don't understand but you've definitely made me realize that there are just some things you don't understand it there is no sense in worrying about it. I'm not sure you know the things you've made me realize or know how and I'm not quite sure I do either. I never realized what best friends really meant or were for until basically tonight. I love that we can just go to the Hookah Bar and talk for hours about our dumb adventures with or without each other and our crazy emotions about our stupid ex's that we're still in love with. It's weird because when I met you, you were Silver, The girl who Kyle talked to, The girl I brought home from the pop punk sleep over, the girl that I got stranded with in oxford and we went to taco bell. I thought we'd be friends. I thought we'd hang out. I never really thought I'd consider you my best friend or consider you as much more than an acquaintance really. Most of the people I have ever considered my best friends have completely dropped me in some sort of way and although I'm not sure that won't happen with you I don't think it will. It really made me smile how happy you got and how cute you thought it was about giving you my password to my live journal. Thanks for not thinking I was morbid haha. Although it's lame it made me smile to realize that I knew you'd want to a coke when I got you one tonight and actually at the time I didn't even realize it but when I brought it back for you and you said "thanks for knowing me" it really got me thinking. This all sounds so lame but really it's just how I feel and I thought you should know you deserve the number one spot on my myspace, lol even though the internet isn't even real. So, to end it all you're my best friend forever.

Love Always,
Katie

I hate my life. Waaahh im gay.

After a year and eight months of working in the HR office at MPI I'm about to go and just quit. It's weird to think about. I thought I'd spend the rest of my life at MPI. I'd maybe go to school for Human Rescources someday take over my boss' job. Never really try anything new. Now I'm going to work for the Town Clerk at the Stratford town hall and Susan Pawluk just happens to be my boss. I hope this job works out because It's hard to leave MPI. I made that my home, my safe place. Now it's like I'm running head first into a wall. I wonder if it's brick or just foam.

It's my birthday and I'm about to go meet Susan at her office. I wearing girls dress clothes weird.

12 dollars an hour.
10 mintues away from home.
19 hours a week
Susan Pawluk?

Why does my life seem so perfect?

Can someone please explain to me why she knows exactly how to get to me? Just when I thought she was done. Just when I thought I'd never talk to her again. She goes and puts that stupid away mesg up. "Going to see Molly and Renee =]." I know she knows it'll get to me. That's my mother. She wants me to be upset. She wants it to get to me. She's probably grinning about it right now. Why must she continuously fuck up my life. Get the fuck over it Katie, seriously. But, what really gets me is I was going to go to my Mom's tonight. What if I was there? Seriously, like if the fact that she's there right now is bothering me I hate to think what I'd feel like if I was there and I saw her. I hate her, everything about her but for some reason I don't think I ever truly will. I mean I hate what she's done to me and I've come to terms with that fact that we really can't be friends because that just gives her time to play more games with my head but seriously fuck her. I have the best girlfriend right now and maybe things are going to be hard but at least she cares about me. At least she calls when she knows I'm upset. She's beautiful, she's funny, she's sarcastic, she makes fun of me. I can not, I will not let that stupid bitch fuck up something so good for me. I can't do it. Wow, thanks live journal for letting me ramble, and fuck you Jessica because you're not getting me this time, your not.

For once I'm not going to write about it in my mysapce, ichat or facebook but I'll tell you all here that I am so happy that Yasmin and I are official. I have such a good feeling about us even though I know things are going to be hard I know that things will be great. I miss her already. She's so terrific.

You're conniving, a liar, a cheat, you're selfish and I am so walking away from you. Your lifestyle completely disgusts me and all you've ever done is ruin my life and I'm not letting you do it again. You're dead to me Jessica.

I fell in love with a girl I never really knew. I fell in love with a fantasy. I'm really starting to realize this.

You didn't have to delete or make your entry private. Maybe if you were a real person you'd talk to me. But, oh wait, apparently you aren't. What a great friend you turned out to be.

Anyways, Last night was good. I hung out with Michelle after she got out of work and we went to one of her friends house and chilled played video games then went to the diner. It's 9:30 in the morning and I have to go to work at 10:00 because Michelle asked me to take her shift. I don't know why I agreed haha. Mother's day is tomorrow. My brothers coming. Weird.

It's really entertaining how much is said through livejournal. If you want to tell me something, call me or i.m. me. Fuck this livejournal bullshit it's so immature. The only reason why I'm saying something here is becuase you won't talk to me and I'm begining to wonder why you're worth it at all. You misjudge me you appoligize when you don't mean it. If you're through I'll let it happen just let me know.

I hope that boy your chasing after is worth it because we could have been over and over.

I feel as if i'll never amount to anything.

I'm more in love with you now than ever before and I'm afraid you're just going to break my heart. P.S. at 11:11 last night, I still wished for you. Like I do every time I realize it's 11:11.

These lyrics are soo good.

Dedicated To Jessica:


In the chilly hours and minutes of uncertainty, I long to be in the warm hold of your love and
mind.

To feel you all around and to take your hand along the sand, I may as well try and catch the wind.

When sun down pales the sky, I wanna hide away behind your smile.
Everywhere I look, your eyes I'd find.

For me to love you now, would be the sweetest thing.
Would make me sing.
But I may as well try and catch the wind.

When rain has hung the leaves with tears, I want you here to count my fears.
To help me leave all my blues behind.

For standing in your heart, it's where I wanna be, and I'll long to be.
But I may as well try and catch the wind.

Silver Sells you are the only girl I need in my life.

She probably hates me. I'm sorry.

I saw Jessica tonight for the first time in like forever. It was weird. I know I still love her. Seeing her reminds me of why. I just want to talk about everything really. Tell her that I know we fight too much and as much as being with her really made me feel complete that having her in my life as a friend would satisfy me. When I saw her, I thought she looked beautiful. I was so mad at her for looking good or something. I realized that I'm completely attracted to her. I still think about lying in my with her. Lying next to her is one of the greatest feelings in the world, really. I don't know. I'm better than I was. Before I wanted her back more than anything. Now I've kind of come to the realization that being with her isn't going to happen. The love, the attraction is still there but the longing is starting to fade away. I want her to know, everything I want her to know how I feel about her. A part of me feels like she's fighting this feeling for no reason. I know we fight but we could have fixed that. It's really a simple task. I guess I just don't understand why people walk away from love because even when Jessica was pushing me I was fighting her force. Now I just stand in front of it emotionally defeated but looking forward to soon being able to walk by, look back and say I have been in love. I hope we talk tomorrow and hopefully get some closure so I can start that walk.

I'm slowly but surely getting over her. It really fuckin amazes me that she lied to me. What else was a lie? I always trusted her. Never doubted for a second. Wow was I foolish.

On the bright side I've got the best of friends!

Every single day.

I come to the same conclusion.

I need Jessica in my life and really I don't care what any of you say.

I love her.